


Burned too bright

by lotrharrypotter3



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, M/M, they're still there though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-31 00:51:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6448930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotrharrypotter3/pseuds/lotrharrypotter3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't love.<br/>He told this himself almost every single day. It wasn't love and it wouldn't become one.. It wasn't love. It had all started out of hatred and anger that had later turned the shouting into screams of pleasure and the pushing into pulling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Burned too bright

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Soo this is my first work here, on AO3. I actually can't believe it's about those two. But I don't regret anything. Kind of.  
> Whatever, hope you enjoy it (and don't hate me later if you decide to read it).

It wasn't love.  
He told this himself almost every single day. It wasn't love and it wouldn't become one. Every touch they shared, every feeling. It wasn't love at all. Maybe lust was clouding his true judgement. Maybe it made him think about things that weren't real for people's hearts were so easily corrupted by even the smallest thing. The smallest touch or word. But it wasn't love. It wasn't love he felt when their lips connected, so in sync, as if made for each other. It wasn't love during every night they shared. It wasn't love he felt when the other one turned away and left late at night, believing him to be fast asleep. It wasn't love. It had all started out of hatred and anger that had later turned the shouting into screams of pleasure and the pushing into pulling.  
But it was still hatred.  
Maybe it wasn't the same one they had felt at first, but it was still there. It was going to end this way too. What had once started in blood and fire, was going to end the same way. The general wasn't foolish, he knew that. He reminded himself every morning with the regret that came. But the regret was turning into a habit. All to soon; all too esily to mind. It was a habit for them to have an argument and it was a habit for this argument to grow into something bigger, more primate and uncontrolable. And when their lips clashed together, the all too familiar feeling, the burn and the passion and hate and something else. But it wasn't love. They were going to pay for it, one way or another. It was either going to be noticed by someone, causing both of them to lose the authority and position, so important and cherished by Hux, something he had worked for all of his life. Or it could end in death, for one or both of them as it was a war and they were soldiers, fighting on the front lines of it, one way or another. The general feared both opportunities, the second one becoming scarier with each passing day, each passing argument, despite what he tried to call his better judgement.  
Could two awful people do something beautiful? But there wasn’t anything beautiful in this to answer the question.  
It was like a game, the one who fell first was going to lose it. But General Hux wouldn’t fall. He wouldn’t fall for a far too grown-up child, someone who wasn’t worth it at all, he wasn’t a loser. But tables were turning too quickly. Making him realize – there were more ways to fall and lose thank any of them could ever imagine.  
Yet months later, the day finally came. Both of them fell and hit the ground hard. All too painful to be worth it, all too real to escape from it.  
Everything else fell with them. The Starkiller Base was destroyed by the rebels, alongside the traitor and the scavenger girl, taking most of the First Order down too. Almost taking the Knight or Ren. But Hux couldn’t care, not when his whole life was falling to the ground, dissapearing for mere seconds. He couldn’t possibly care for Kylo Ren at a moment like this, not when it was all his fault, for the most part.  
Yet he was on his way to find the other less than a minute after he was told to do so. Telling himself he was just following orders, Snoke’s orders, not his own stupid heart’s. He wasn’t allowed to feel anything like this, not by someone else but himself. He wouldn’t allow himself to lose the game.  
It wasn’t hard, finding the Force-user, whatever he called himself, following both the tracker, attached to his belt, and the trails of blood and battle, left behind him. And oh, it was not a sight worth seeing. He had fallen, painted in red.  
The General wanted to believe the blood the other was lying in, covered in, wasn’t his, not all of it, but he wasn’t a fool. The Knight was lucky if he was still alive. For better or worse, he was. That Hux found out soon enough, kneeling next to him. His ribcage was weakly moving up and down, his eyelids making the smallest attempts to remain open.  
“Idiot.” Not more but sighed Hux, averting his eyes, never allowing any sign of worry or relief to show on his face in front of the small group of Stormtroopers with him or the man, lying in his feet. He was probably going to come to him later, when there was no one else around to see him. To finish him completely or to lie to him that everything was going to be okay, he didn’t know. “Take him on board.” Was all he said for now, turning away, not looking back again.  
He did come, eventually. Sneaking into the medical department on the Finalizer three nights later when he already couldn’t sleep and there wasn’t any alcohol left to keep his thoughts away, quite the contrary, he told himself, the alcohol was to blame that he was now opening the door of the room where he knew the Knight was.  
It was way too white, looking almost pure if it wasn’t for the smell of medicaments that filled the air that gave out the true purpose of the place, or the bed where the Knight was lying, seeming to be asleep.  
Good. Hux thought, making a few steps until he stood in front of the bed. He was going to bear this, rather than having to deal with the man in his wake. He couldn’t imagine what the Knight would be then. Maybe angry, angrier than before, trying to throw another one of his infamous tantrums? Or pathetic as ever?  
“Hux?” The General was pulled back to reality by the other’s weak voice. Despite himself, he looked down. “I thought you wouldn’t come.”  
So he was both angry and pathetic. Hux couldn’t draw away his eyes from the scar on the other’s face, or the way he was looking at him, his eyes fully aware and seeing, despite all the medicines he was probably drugged with. He had never considered him to be handsome, quite the opposite, actually. But now, he looked worse than ever. Not the scar but the eyes. They showed more than what could be said, what any of them would ever want to be said.  
“Shut up, Ren.” Hux said, brows furrowing. “I already did enough. I already came to you once, if you don’t consider this enough.” After everything that has happened, it was more than what the Knight should be hoping for.  
“But you’re here now. Why?” No, it was an awful idea for Hux to be in this room, not enough alcohol to make it at least a bit more reasonable.  
“Go to sleep, Ren.” Hux decided to ignore the question. He didn’t have an answer to it anyway. He averted his eyes once again.  
Surprisingly, the Knight listened. Or he was too tired to resist, at least. Whatever it was, it worked perfectly for Hux.  
The General stood there for an hour more, maybe two. He didn’t know, didn’t care. He didn’t have an answer for himself why he did so. But maybe he did for the other one.  
“I thought I’ve lost you.” He finally dared to whisper, before retreating to his room once again. There wasn’t anything more he could say. Anything else wouldn’t matter. This didn’t matter too.  
But he had lost him, indeed. He never had him, in the first place. He had also lost the stupid game, as well as many other things. This was the first and last time he was going to visit the Knight. He hoped it was the last time he was seeing him at all. There wasn’t anything more he had left to say, anything else he wanted to hear. Both of them had fallen. Two stars that had burned way too bright before they had even gotten the chance to light up. That much he knew.


End file.
